Day 40

My legs are in agony!  I have been exercising myself to a standstill over the last three days and the result is I can hardly move, I'm sure it looks like I have an exercise machine up my butt when I walk, it certainly feels like it because bending my legs in one smooth movement is virtually impossible!


The weather has been really miserable over the last week but when I woke up this morning the sun was shining and a glorious warm day was dawning. We decided to make the most of it and took the dogs for a long walk/run on the beach.  I somehow managed to battle through the burning pain in my legs and instead of groaning loudly (which I was desperate to do!), I concentrated on  soaking up the beautiful scenery around me.  Another trick that I find very helpful when I think I can go no further, is to visualize myself walking down 5th Avenue NYC in a stunning pair of Balmain jeans that I have bought myself - needless to say, they are still about two sizes too small but serve as  a fabulous source of inspiration!

I'm looking forward to and, if I'm being perfectly honest, a bit nervous for my weigh-in on Thursday -  I do believe that after my recent efforts it would be impossible, if not a bit soul destroying, not to have dropped my predicted three and half kilograms. Oh the tension of a number! x

Day 38

I'm feeling quite energised and optimistic today! The fumes of gluttony from the weekend have finally gone and I'm back on track mentally and physically.

I had a fabulous work out this morning: forty-five minutes cardio followed by one hundred lunges, fifty squats (which hurt like hell!) and some stomach crunches! To top all that my daughter asked me to walk down to the local cafe with her and a playmate so I feel Ive done my bit on the exercise front.

My husband informed me the other day that unless I report some major results soon, my followers would lose interest and stop rooting for me - he very kindly suggested that the most efficient way to do this would be to check myself into to hospital for a leg amputation (Oh yee of little faith!) and therefore be able to show some  instant weight loss! Although the idea is totally outrageous (or is it?), I do get what he is saying, I have decided to give myself mini goals to keep up my momentum, and hopefully yours. Although I feel extremely grateful and sometimes a little unworthy of all your support, I am also writing this blog for selfish reasons. I find that if I face the truth and see it in black and white, my feet are kept firmly on the ground and I'm completely in touch with the reality of the situation no-matter how ugly it may be!  Back to the mini goal - I am going to try my damnedest to drop three and a half  kilos by next Thursday.  I can just hear my girlfriends saying "Don't be ridiculous, its not possible!". Lets see, I would love to prove you wrong! x

Day 36

All I can say is THANK GOD the Easter Weekend is over!

Its not that I didn't have great fun with my friends, but if I had carried on eating like that for one more day, I would have gained all my lost weight!  I am now in full damage control mode, thankfully, its not too much of a disaster - having said that, a disaster it remains.  I don't know what is wrong with me, I left for Langebaan on Friday morning with such conviction and not an hour after unpacking, I found myself in the kitchen, salivating over all the delectable goodies everybody had brought.  Am I really that weak? Am I really that greedy?  I suppose I must be!  I certainly didn't consume anymore than anyone else which, at the time,  was a handy bargaining tool to use while wrestling with my willpower - but, then again,  none of my friends need to shift vast numbers of kilograms (I find this really unfair!) so I only have myself to blame for not being more controlled.

I woke up this morning feeling so angry at the extra pressure I have now put myself under to lose the required weight in less time. I  have just over eight weeks to reach my goal - which I know is possible, there is just absolutely no room for error!  All I can do now is take ownership of the damage that has been done and move forward with a vengeance! x

Day 31

I  upgraded my modem today so hopefully things will run a bit smoother from now on.

I am just over four weeks into my quest and have lost a total of six point something (I cant remember exactly) kilograms which I think gives me permission to shout a loud HOORAY!

I am feeling much better in body and soul, I have caught a little glimpse of the future and it looks good!  My Weight Watchers girlfriend told me the other day that since reaching her goal weight and getting used to her new body, she feels the same as she did before starting the diet - that's size wise. I find this revelation a bit scary - I hope I don't feel the same way after all the blood, sweat and tears I have shed to reach the finish line. While I was lying in bed the other night, over thinking as usual, it occurred to me that I would be fifty years old sometime relatively soon and the very last thing on earth I want  to be is fifty and FAT!  I concluded that once I have lost these unwanted kilograms, I shall have to make an heroic effort never to find them again.

A couple of years ago my husband was training flat out to cycle the mountain stages of the Tour de France  (Oh yes he is that wonderful!) and in order to train at home, he bought a contraption that, once  hooked onto, renders your bike stationary when riding. He has now done this for me which means I can train anytime without worrying about  weather or traffic!  I was chatting to my brother this morning about cycling etc. and he expressed his concern that I was doing this purely to lose weight rather than making a life-style change
and, therefore, run the risk of putting it all back on again. I do understand where he is coming from, but what I want to do is lose the weight first, then change the life-style, maybe I'm doing it back to front?  I don't know, only time will tell, but for now it feels right.

The Easter weekend is looming and we are going away with some great friends. To be perfectly honest, I'm absolutely terrified of having a weak moment, letting  my guard down and eating everything in sight!  I'm sure when other addicts are in recovery, they avoid certain situations for fear of being tempted. The thing is, most people don't see food as the enemy and are not aware of the dangers when saying "Oh come on, one piece of chocolate wont hurt you!"  The problem is it will hurt me and it takes every ounce of willpower to decline, which can be exhausting!  Anyhow, I'm determined to be strong and have a divine weekend! x

Day 28

I wish I had more patience, I have been so strict with myself over the last week and although the scales show results I still blinking well cant see any difference! Its such a pain in the butt because I feel like I should be looking skinny and  once again I am expecting to see Pamela Anderson's body in the mirror - its so frustrating!I guess it is Monday morning and as I said before, I hate Mondays.  I can almost hear the collective sigh of "Oh dear, here we go again, she's going to change tack, and try something else!". Not so, I'm sticking to my guns on this one, Ive tried and tested the diet and I know it works, its just agonizingly rigid and I'm convinced there are twenty-eight hours in the day - it just seems to go on forever. 

We went out for breakfast with my husbands parents yesterday morning and when it came time to order, my skinny mother in law ( who I adore) declined the offer, saying  she had already eaten - I just don't understand how people have such willpower when they don't need it? If she ate a full English breakfast every day for the next six months she would still look like a Match with the wood scraped off! Maybe she secretly hooks herself up to a drip of vitamins every night to sustain her energy (which she has in abundance). I don't know, some of us are just blessed with good genes and others (like me) have to spend a fortune on buying good jeans to look semi respectable!

I think I may have succeeded in venting some of my frustration so I am going to sign off and face the day with SureSlim gusto! x

Day 25

I woke up in the early hours of this morning and lay there thinking, which can cause all sorts of problems as I tend to over think  and eventually nothing makes sense! Last night, the only thing on my mind was food and how much I should or shouldn't be eating, which made me realise,  how much of our daily life  revolves around food! Im not sure if my thoughts were heightened by my current  situation  or, if indeed, this is true. Take the Queen of Weight Watchers for example, she has lost a fortune of weight on her diet and swears it has now become a lifestyle, but is still  constantly thinking about and planning her next meal. Most celebrations are centred around people getting together and eating - on our first birthday,  we are placed in front of a table bulging with yummy treats that are normally out of bounds  (except the Jehovah's Witness folk who don't celebrate birthdays) and from then on, every birthday is associated with food. Even at my ripe old age I like to be taken to some fabulous restaurant for dinner to celebrate yet another year down the track. Weddings, Christenings and even Funerals are  occasions where food   plays a  part, each having their own culinary tradition. Religions are also differentiated by food  - the Muslims and Jews, for example, don't eat Pork and Christians only eat fish on a Friday, not to mention the countless religious holidays where food (and  an obscene amount of it), defines the specific occasion and we spend months plotting and planning the menus. Its no wonder so many of us have a warped idea of how much we should eat - its all we ever talk about! My very wise Grandmother once said that all men think about are their stomachs and what hangs off them!

You can see why it could be dangerous for me to think too much in the wee hours of the morning. Having offloaded all that trivia, I have to say, my diet is going extremely well - I have lost another kilogram and besides being a tad ratty yesterday, I'm feeling quite pleased with myself and with the pace things are finally moving! My husband and I have planned an alcohol-free weekend (Oh God, I can just hear all my girlfriends groaning and thinking how boring!) and plenty of cycling, so here's to a great weekend! x

Day 24

YES! YES! YES!

No, I'm not doing a Meg Ryan (When Harry met Sally), although I am a huge fan. I'm just so excited that this new  angle is working, I have lost one kilogram in two days and I'm feeling great! Its like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders and someone else has taken over my problem - all I need to do is follow the rules and the rest will happen, what a relief!  I  now understand that some people can create their own eating patterns and manage to stick to them, I am not one of those people, I need to know that I'm adhering to the advice of those who know better and not leaving things to chance. Its amazing how much more in control I feel.

I know this is short and to the point but there is not much else going on - Oh Actually, I have had a couple of restless nights. My children have managed to dovetail coming down with a nasty flu - my daughter fell prey to it on Sunday and only went back to school today and my son started last night, so for the last four nights Ive been checking temperatures, stripping off duvets and administering medicine.  Anyhow , I'm off to do some exercise and try and have a nap before the school run! x

Day 22

I hate Mondays and I hate term time! I know we are doing the best for our children by sending them off to school but my family seems to function so much better when we are all together.

The rest of our weekend away was divine, Monday morning however, brought on a serious case of 'the blues' and I found myself comfort eating through most of the day. NOT GOOD!  Everything changed last night though, when, my husband and I went off to see Neil Diamond - the experience was so fantastic from beginning to end that  my faith in the joy of life was renewed and I once again felt inspired to follow the path I have set out for myself! I weighed myself this morning with trepidation and I hate to say  I'm exactly the same as I was this time last week - SCREAM!!!! Its so disheartening, but instead of burying myself in a large bag of Cheese Puffs, (which is what I would normally do) I sat down and really analysed what I was doing and where I was going wrong. I realized that the only person I was fooling by so-called "cutting back" was fat old me! My husband (who is irritatingly right about most things) pointed out to me  that I only have two settings - stop and go! Its clear to me now that I cant possibly achieve my goal by doing this 'healthy eating in moderation' thing, I function far better with strict rules and clear boundaries. I have decided to put myself back on my  faithful SureSlim diet which  has really worked for me in the past and the results are quick yet sustainable. I know I can lose the weight I need to in the remaining ten weeks, I just have to keep my eye on the prize (which is a fabulous pair of black leather shinny jeans!) , my hands off the fridge door and my mouth closed! It doesn't sound that hard? I do agree that I have chopped and changed a bit,  but please don't give up on me because I'm not giving up on myself! x

Day 19 ps

Actually, the main reason for my lack of concentration was that I couldn't stop thinking about the leftover crayfish in the fridge - it was DELICIOUS!x

Day 19

Imagine this scene: salt on your skin, sand between your toes, a perfect sunset, chilled white wine and a bulging platter of crayfish! Its BLISS.

We woke up early this morning to yet another beautiful day and went cycling for a respectable amount of time. I don't have any method of weighing myself  here but, given what I have eaten, I'm sure I will have a successful weigh in on Monday - its quite amazing how easy and more pleasant it is to eat well when you surround yourself with interesting, fat free healthy food! I don't feel I'm depriving myself and yet still woke up this morning full of energy and not a hangover in sight. The lack of hanging is most definitely due to the Light Wine, I find I can drink almost twice as much without leaving my name at the bottom of a bottle or behaving like a Bat (as in hanging) the next morning. Oh dear, it is starting to sound like I might have developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol,  I can assure you this is not the case, its just such a pleasure to put oneself on a diet and not have to give up all the social niceties!

The boys have all gone off fishing on the boat so we are looking forward to some fresh fish for dinner. Aside from the eternal sound of the lapping waves, the house is quite and still  and I'm finding it hard to concentrate. I'm off to soak up the day!x

Day 18

My husband has been in Johannesburg on business for two days and the result is I have had very little sleep! I find it very hard to have a restful night when he is away and Wednesday night was no exception, I woke up at about three in the morning and managed to turn many little mole hills into huge mountains! Tiredness was the last thing I needed yesterday morning as I had to be on good form to pack for four days away in Paternoster. We arrived at our beach house at about five in the evening and the breath taking view that hit me from the deck was worth the slog to get here - we will be staying until Sunday with divine friends and I know its going to be spectacular!

I'm sure you all know that weekends away can entail a lot of unnecessary eating which for me in my current situation would not be a good idea - luckily, the couple that we are with are the King and Queen of Weight Watchers  so although there is an abundance of food, (my girlfriend is the "Go large or go home" type and is very good at it!) its all slimming and healthy. I mentioned in my last blog that I needed  to step things up a notch and I'm intent on doing just that! I'm hoping to lose at least three kilograms in the next week.


As I have written previously, at the end of my thirteen weeks my husband and I are going to New York for a much needed break from work and parenting and, if all goes according to plan, Ell  as apposed to Butterball will be climbing the stairs to board that plane! I was discussing this with my husband  the other night expecting his response to be something along the lines of -  yes darling, you are going to be so skinny! - but instead he said "Now look, rather than aiming for the impossible, why don't you count your small victories and be happy with achieving a kind of pleasant chubbiness!" Oh yes he did!  Although my knee jerk reaction was to laugh uncontrollably I also thought, you bastard,   ( in the most loving was of course) Ill show you that I can do this and come June you'll be begging me to eat something for fear of fading away! Oh how I long for someone to say that to me! x

Day 16

I'm really not skipping days intentionally, the problem has been with my computer and since I don't  posses an I.T. bone in my body, I have had to rely on the help of others. Luckily I have a brother in law who loves to solve these kind of problems and is very good at it, so its thanks to him that I'm able to write today.  Anyhow, back to the task at hand, I shall have to be brief because I'm expected for drinks with the girls in thirty minutes - which I hate to be late for in case I miss out on any gossip!

I woke up yesterday morning feeling so much better and , to my great relief, I had not gained any weight from my hopeless weekend. I hadn't lost any either but, as of this morning, I'm three kilograms down from my starting point which I think is worth a pat on the back! Although I'm pleased with my results, I realise I do need to step things up a notch or two in order to achieve my goals and I REFUSE to shift the goal posts or take an easier option - its all or nothing and I'm choosing the "all" option.

I have received so many messages of encouragement from people that are reading my blog and while I'm genuinely grateful for the support I find myself wondering why nobody came forward before and just said "Do something about yourself, you are a fat greedy pig!" Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind, maybe they wanted to say something but just didn't know how to word it so that it didn't sound like quite as dismal a situation as it is - well guys I have finally figured it out for myself and I am doing something about it so please don't stop the support! x

Day 14

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that my computer is finally up and running again having been on the blink for two days - the bad news is that the last two days have been a total disaster!! I don't know if this can be attributed to the fact that I knew I couldn't write and therefore wouldn't have to confess my sins, or because it was the weekend (I find it very hard to restrain myself on weekends) and my resistance crumbled.  It all started off very well, I was a poster-girl of moderation at the drinks party on Friday night, I took my bottle of Light Wine and didn't drink anything else or eat any of the deliciously tempting snacks. My girlfriend, who was hosting, works at one of the leading cookery schools in the country so  produces wave after wave of the most divine food!

On Saturday morning my husband and I got up early feeling very fresh as well as very smug about the fact that we did feel fresh, and went cycling.  Success at last! We completed a thirty kilometre cycle in just under and hour and a half and I didn't once get off and push - it felt good and I made my husband proud which felt better than the accomplishment itself! Unfortunately, from there everything went pear-shaped, I was so hungry I ate everything in sight and couldn't stop myself until, feeling like a Tick, I rolled into bed on Sunday night - it was a MESS. I woke up this morning feeling really angry with myself for allowing this old pattern of weakness to creep back, but I also felt a renewed sense of determination to beat this addiction and own my willpower to succeed. I resisted getting on the scales for fear of feeling more self loathing, instead I got on my walking machine and did a very respectable workout - I have also been strong on the eating front so I'm feeling much better about things this afternoon! I decided a bit of retail therapy this morning would do  wonders for  my self esteem, theres nothing like a Jimmy Choo bag to cheer you up.

I realise after chatting to some of my friends,  there is still some confusion over what I'm trying to achieve by wanting to re-invent myself and documenting it. I'm not trying to change my personality or who I am, I'm wanting to lose weight,  get healthy  and rediscover myself. In order to make it fun and interesting I decided to change my look in the process. The name change and new tattoo are the personal rewards I'm promising myself to give me something to work towards, not that I'm unhappy with my name, its just that Ive had it for forty-six years so why not have a change?  - as for making all this public through the blog, I find that feeling compelled to write each day and to be brutally honest about what I have or haven't done, is a huge inspiration  to finish my mission! x

Day 11

Its late afternoon and for some reason I'm feeling very run down and tired -  I was under the impression that regular exercise and a healthy diet was supposed to energise one, well its not happening today! There are, however, a number of reasons (other than dietary) that can attribute to my lethargy, one could be because its the end of the school week and therefore I am five days down of fighting to get everyone up, filling lunchboxes, completing endless forms to send back to school, doing  homework and then fighting to get everyone into bed! Thinking about it, I'm amazed I still wonder why I have no time for myself ! Thank heaven  its school holidays, at least the children can sleep late and I can do some early morning exercise. The other reason why I could be feeling tired is, being the last day of school and given that both my darlings got very good reports, I promised them an afternoon of shopping at Canal Walk. For those lucky few who have never been there, let me tell you it is HUGE and NOISY and very BUSY,it seemed like the world and his wife had the same idea as us. We must have walked for three hours non stop, looking in every toy shop imaginable. I'm sure I must have shed some weight - I know my wallet did!

My dear brother, the one that lives in Cape Town, (I'm lucky enough to have two very loving and supportive older brothers) phoned me today to suggest that I join this girls mountain bike training group. It sounds like a good idea and I think I'm going to look into it. I always pay attention to his advise because, not only do I know he wants the best for me, but he, and my stick thin sister in law who always looks like a supermodel, are very into their cycling and like my husband know far more about the whole thing than I do! I'm going cycling early tomorrow morning so will report back later in the day, hopefully with more of a success story than the last time.

I have just seen the time and realise that I'm supposed to be at a drinks party (I shall take my Light Wine!) in thirty minutes so I'm off to make myself look beautiful! x