Day 10

I cant believe that I'm ten days into my quest and still not rail thin - how long will this take? I know I'm being a little unreasonable but Ive always been one of those instant gratification types who needs to see results NOW!   I put myself on the scales this morning and, although I hadn't gone down much since Tuesday, I'm starting to see a change in body shape which is very encouraging.

Do you remember the other day I was talking about whether or not there are such things as coincidences? Well, this morning I was at the Beauty Salon having the essentials done and while I was lying there I was thinking how divine it would be to really indulge myself with some treatments that weren't necessary but fabulous! When I opened my e-mails this afternoon,  I saw that my darling brother and his wife, who live in New York, had sent me an extremely generous online voucher for a Health Spa. To be honest, I was so overwhelmed with the loving thought that I burst into tears and phoned my husband who couldn't make out what I was saying because I was crying so hard. His immediate reaction, when he finally managed to make sense of it,  was relief that nothing terrible had happened which soon turned to totall disbelief that he had been pulled out of a meeting on  account of me being hysterical over receiving a gift! I must say, looking at it from his perspective,  it does make me out to be slightly unhinged although I like to see it as sensitive.

Having got over my outburst I read another message from an old friend, currently living in L.A., (and reading my blog!) who said he remembers me as a "Hot babe" and that when he sees me again is fully expecting me to look like I did at seventeen! I went into a cold sweat realising how far this blogging had reached and the enormous pressure I have put myself under to succeed! I have resisted phoning my husband back with this disturbing realization and decided my only option is to succeed, so I'm off to do some exercise! x

Day 9

Having taken a duvet day yesterday which,by the way, is highly recommended, I have been so busy today that this is the first opportunity I have had to sit down and write! I had coffee with one of my oldest and dearest friends this morning. I have known her and her beloved sister for over forty years, and no matter where we are in the world the three of us always come together as though no time had passed at all, we have experienced most of our first times  together and I would like to think we will still be together to experience our last times. Out of  the many topics we chatted about two things stand out, the first being that she asked me what my blog was all about having not read it herself, but been informed by another friend that, having read parts of it, he did not understood what it was about or what I was trying to achieve by writing it. I began to wonder whether this was because he was male and just didn't get it (although I have quite a few male followers) or maybe these are just erratic ramblings that don't make much sense to anyone else. I started explaining to her why I was doing this and found it quite difficult to put into words - I'm not giving diet tips or advocating any particular diet and I'm not recommending an exercise regime so  thinking about it, I'm really just talking more about my personal journey to health and fitness as apposed to the hard facts of the process, does that make sense? After going into raptures about this my girlfriend looked at me quizzically, which she often does because she thinks most things I do are pretty daft and shes probably right, but also being the same size ( which is reed thin) that she was at sixteen after three children, she doesn't understand the agony of weight gain!

The other thing that happened was that she produced a variety of photographs of us ranging from the age of about eighteen to twenty-two, seeing these youthful wrinkle free faces smiling back at me made me realize how much time we wasted on ridiculous insecurities in those days instead of being grateful for our young beauty - HOW I WISH WE COULD TURN THE CLOCK BACK!! Anyway, I know that's not possible so I'm going to work with what Ive got - and work I did this afternoon! My husband came home early to announce that he was taking me on a cycle up the mountain in Tokai.  My first reaction was to point out that it was pouring with rain but I was told that these were excellent cycling conditions. I realised half way up the first hill exactly how much training I have to do in order to complete this race we are doing in September! Quite frankly, we could have been in a snow storm and I would not have noticed - I was too busy gasping for breath and trying to block out the red hot burning pain in my legs - Good God - it was awful! It was only on the way down the mountain that I began to notice the beautiful trees and fresh smells after the rains and the slight mist rolling in around us. I was feeling quite proud of myself until my husband informed me we had only covered a twentieth of the route! One has to start somewhere and it just makes me more determined to do better next time!x

Day 8

I'm one week down on my road to health and beauty and I have managed to scrape through with the required loss of 2 kilograms a week! I don't know how I achieved this because my resolve has certainly not been consistent, but I intend to change that and hopefully the next week wont be such a struggle to stay on the straight and narrow. I am actually writing this from my sick bed having been rudely awakened  by a very nauseous stomach at about two in the morning and haven't had much rest since! I'm going to attempt to get some sleep now so I can wake up strong and healthy tomorrow and ready to tackle week two! x

Dat 7

I woke up this morning and  decided enough is enough! I just cant live with this unwanted blubber any longer - something must happen, and happen now before it drives me to dementia! You might have gathered that I'm not feeling particularly at peace this morning, ( I guess it is Monday) I need to see some change for all my hard work. Maybe I'm just not working hard enough - maybe I must think of this as the United Nations attacking Libya to restore peace, my butt is about the size of Libya so it shouldn't be to hard to imagine. I'm just full of self loathing this morning, probably because if I have to be brutally honest with myself I haven't been as strict on the diet side as I should have been. Its a bit of a vicious circle when you start to do some real training in conjunction with cutting the calories because I find I'm more hungry that ever and its easy to justify that extra consumption because of the exercise! I have read so many times that a successful shrinkage of size is down to 70% diet and 30% exercise and at the moment I think I have that ratio the wrong way round!

I was chatting with my mother in law the other day and she told me about this fascinating article she was reading on coincidences (she reads a lot!). Its about how  we often say 'Oh what a coincidence!' but maybe, there is no such thing as a  coincidence at all and these affirmations or occurrences are part of our destined paths and, therefore, meant to be. For example, my husband and I are going to New York in June without the children for a week of adult fun and shopping - on the day we booked the tickets, both times I turned the radio on in the car, the song "New York" by Alecia Keyes was playing - now is that a coincidence or is it a sign from some destinal force telling me that I'm doing the right thing? To bring things back to my current dilemma, this morning on my way home from dropping Daisy at school I was wondering if I shouldn't enquire about some slimming treatments to spur me on and when I got home there was a pamphlet in the letter box about just that! You see, we just don't know if its a hap- hassid collision of thought and happening or if its a calculated occurrence from our source of destiny? Anyhow I'm approaching today and the future with the steely determination of a fighter jet pilot over Tripoli! x



 

Day 6

I think I am finally starting to understand why so many people are crazy about cycling - I used to watch these folk on the roads, up the mountains and in the forest cycling like mad, and wonder why on earth anyone, used to their creature comforts, would want to put themselves through such and unpleasant ordeal! Well this weekend my husband and I did two early morning 15-20 kilometre rides and much to my surprise it was great. We set off early in the morning just as the farm life around Worcester was waking up and other than a few hungover farm labourers, we were the only people on the road. The sun had just risen and the air was still fresh with the mixed smells of grapes and livestock, it really made me  feel alive and exhilarated! I'm not going to make out that its all peaches and cream quite yet - I still haven't acquired the taste for a mouthful of  bugs or gotten used to the feeling of a saddle up my butt, but I think this will come with time (actually it feels like the saddle is STILL up my butt!). I asked my husband if there wasn't some type of mask or filter that you could wear over your mouth and he looked at me incredulously and said he wouldn't dignify that with and answer so I take it that there isn't - I'm still surprised nobody has thought of it though. The other thing I was scowled at for was enquiring if there weren't  more comfortable saddles to be had - I clearly still have a lot to learn about this sport but judging by the pain in my thighs I think this can only be good for my quest in transformation.

While I was writing my blog yesterday outside our tent I had several of the Grade Two parents asking what I was doing and for the first time I can remember I felt very shy and vulnerable, I was embarrassed to talk about my endeavours and I still cant figure out why? I just kind of sat there and giggled foolishly which is so unlike me, normally I'm too honest and outspoken, sometimes at the expense of other peoples feelings, so why is this getting to me. Maybe its the first time I'm letting my insecurities be known, or maybe I'm just terrified of failing so publicly. I don't know but it was a very strange experience for me, perhaps having these feelings of insecurity are part of the process of getting in touch with the real me again so that I can emerge stronger and healthier in body and soul - bear me out on spirituality, after all it is Sunday! x

Day 5

I am very thankful that taking ones bathroom scales on a camping trip would be deemed vain and obsessive and therefore frowned upon! Sadly my eating plan didn't work out as I expected it to yesterday so I don't think those scales would have been very kind this morning. I had bought all these divine goodies with my son, Jasper in mind who measures the success of a weekend away on yummy things to eat (I must point out that he doesn't have a food issue just a weekend sweet tooth). The problem is that two hours before we were due to leave for our camp he announced, all of eight years old, that he would not be joining us for the trip but would be going to his friend Dan down the road instead. I was quite shocked at the courage of his conviction and then it dawned on me that he was growing up and asserting his Independence - he had decided that spending the weekend with his best friend would be preferable to two nights with twenty screaming, teasing eight year old girls and if I look at it from his perspective I don't blame him! I have heard that the biggest gift you can ever give your children is Independence - Its just so hard to do.

Sometimes I feel that the reason why I find it hard to let go is because I'm a bit of a control freak, actually when I think about it its not so much a control freak but I just like things done the right way! For example, over the years we have collected quite a lot of interesting decorative objects which I have strategically arranged to look casual on various coffee tables, bookshelves and desks throughout the house. Our very long suffering house keeper, aptly named Patience, will swoop through the house everyday with her duster in hand and NEVER put things back the way they were - I find it excruciating! So every day I have to follow her path and re-arrange everything so that their placement makes sense, I sometimes think she does this to annoy me because she is convinced I am quite mad, which is totally possible as my most of my Mums family was completely batty! Some of my girlfriends will, on arrival, ask where they should put their belongings for fear of spoiling the look,even though I'm aware that they are doing this tongue in cheek,  I  still suggest the best place for them to set their things down. Oh dear, maybe I really am a control freak, but I do think that this is why I'm not prepared to give up on my body - I'm just not ready to resign myself to being a nearly fifty year old mother and housewife and therefore shouldn't bother or have the time to worry about what I look like. When I see  myself in the mirror I know that the arrangement just isn't right or appealing to look at so I will soldier on in my quest for visual harmony! x

Day 4

The first three days of going cold turkey on an addiction are reported to be the worst. Breaking the addiction to food is no less painful! I woke up this morning with my stomach empty fully believing that with the last three days of pain and dedication I would look in the mirror and be as thin as a hair - sadly this was not the case, in fact, I cant see any change at all. I foolishly stood there looking at myself thinking any minute now the image staring back at me is going to morph into the body of  Pamela Anderson with my face and her hair and tan, believe it or not this did not happen - I was stunned! I think that today is going to be one of those tough and emotional times I spoke of in my first blog, but will I give up? Hell to the no - I am a fighter and I will fight.

I managed to stop smoking about two years ago, it was overnight, I went to sleep a dedicated smoker and woke up the next morning with no desire ever to smoke again and have never looked back, not even being tempted through the trauma of my poor Mums death or the stress of renovating. If I can do that surely I can do this, I'm amazed that in our highly evolved brains there isn't an on/off switch to stop us from over indulging. Actually I think there is, but I just have to find it. What also amazes me is that in our advanced world of science and medicine no-one has come up with a diet pill that REALLY does work and is healthy and long lasting. Think of all the health related issues that could be eliminated if we were all slim! Speaking of which I was doing one of those surveys in a magazine the other day where you tick the boxes to see how many dreadful ailments  are awaiting you down the line, I stopped half way because I thought I would go into cardiac arrest just seeing how many boxes I had already ticked! I'm sure there is really a diet pill that works but nobody will put it on the market for fear of putting all those hundreds of diet supplements , shakes soups etc out of business - did you know there is now a coffee that you can drink that is supposed to make the weight fall off?, oh yes, the advert shows a girl diving into a pool fat and coming out fabulously thin, all this from drinking a few cups of this coffee!

We are going camping this weekend, its my daughters Grade 2 family camp out. I will have to spend some time plotting and planning my meals so I'm not blindsided by a bowl of chips. My daughter, who is the most beautiful creature in the world,(I believe as her mother I'm allowed to say that!) is a great source of inspiration, happiness and envy to me. You may ask why envy - she is an exact replica of me at that age which makes me question where it all went wrong, she very petite with one of those little bodies that is made up of muscle covered with a tight thin layer of skin. You know how some people have that thin skin and others have that thick spongy look - its a bit like comparing a Whippet to a Bull Dog and I'm sure you can guess whose who in this analogy. The other night she was wearing a stunning pair of Gap jeans that fitted her to perfection and my husband pointed out that that's exactly how I looked ten years ago before falling pregnant, I just thought 'Oh damn, he has finally noticed that Ive picked up a kilo or two!' Whom I kidding? In fact, I no longer watch the Wild Life channels with the family - the number of times Ive heard my husband say ' Look kids theres Mum fishing' or 'Theres Mum going for a swim' which is followed by shrieks of laughter and when I look up its either a great big Grizzly Bear catching Salmon or a Hippo wading into the river! Thank God Ive got that thick spongy skin! Its funny how I do still love my family to distraction. Anyhow, I'm off to arm myself with some bottles of Light Wine and go camping! x

Day 3

Joy! - I now have two legit followers and judging from feedback some facebook followers as well, one of them being from Australia so you could say Ive gone International - most exciting! I have lost another 400grams so things seem to be working. I decided to change my exercise routine this morning, not only do I not want to get bored of doing the same thing , but I believe its good to switch things up and use different muscle groups. I must start doing more weight training, did you know that you burn more calories and speed up your metabolism for longer after weight training as apposed to cardio? Well its true - so I'm going to start introducing more weights.

My husband once told me that a good way to achieve ones goal is to visualise yourself down the road looking great in that outfit you've always wanted to wear. Sound advise indeed. I find this visualization very easy to do first thing in the morning when I'm feeling fresh and bullish, but come the late afternoon the lines of that visual start to blurr and I try and rationalise with myself that maybe the skinny jeans can be replaced with that baggy boyfriend jean look, and maybe I'm better off with a longer jacket instead of that cropped tailored one. Its at this point that it takes all the will in the world not to raid the kids lunch boxes left overs  and opt for a Green Tea instead. I wish I was a more natural tea and coffee drinker, most people drink several cups a day which I am sure fills you up. My parents - in law (who will remain nameless to protect their identities in the event of me becoming a famous Blogger) are prime examples of this. They are both in their seventies, although you could never tell, and live on a smallholding where they single handedly tend a vineyard, olive groves and a very grumpy and demanding horse called Harry, who if you don't feed on time will stroll into the kitchen and help himself to the fruit bowl or anything else accessible! Anyway back to the Tea, as you can imaging my parents-in law have to do quite a few activities throughout the day and each one of these ends with a ceremonial cup of  hot beverage, each one being different. I have heard my mother-in law ask for normal tea, green tea, double strength green tea some of them with honey and some not - I have even heard her requesting a combination of red and green tea! Now I know about green tea but I'm not sure if the red bit is actually red tea, or if its some other herbal blend that comes in a red box or has a red tag on the end of the bag and I am too embarrassed to ask for fear of showing my ignorance of tea to such gurus. The fact is my mother-in law looks twenty years younger than her age and I'm sure weighs about twelve kilos and since I only ever see her consume tea I'm going to pay more attention the next time I'm there!

I had two girlfriends over for midweek catch-up drinks last night and discovered that a' light- low alchahol' white wine is not going to kill me, on the contrary, its really rather pleasant and you can consume a whole lot more without hanging like a Bat the next morning. I also learnt that one bottle of 'light' wine equals only three points in Weight Watchers terms, which according to my friend, who sees Weight Watchers as a new religion, is very little indeed! I must say having chatted to both of them who are fabulously thin it does make some sense.

Having embarked on this blog I panicked a bit last night that I might wake up one day and not really have anything to say - thankfully that hasn't happened today so I'm going to sign off and read up on the mighty Weight Watchers! x

Day 2

One day down and I have lost nearly a kilo, which is a good start! I also have one follower which is great news, albeit my dear husband who showers me with unconditional love and support no matter what I do. He did say something to me though that made me question my sanity in this whole thing - he said "You are so very brave to put yourself out there like this, what happens if you fail, everyone will know!".So I'm now sitting on the fence as to whether I want anymore followers or not, although I did hear somewhere that sitting on the fence can only lead to two things - wasted time and a splintered butt! The only answer is to soldier on and ban the word failure from my vocab.

Yesterday went well although I did develop a vague headache late afternoon which could have either been the result of a large amount of output or small amount of input - both being a shock to my system! I also didn't sleep very well, this could either be because I went to bed hungry with sore muscles or that
I wasn't in my own bed. Our twins are eight years old and we still seem to be doing a bit of bed hopping and for reasons I now cannot remember I landed up in my sons single bottom bunk bed. I also discovered that his bed has become a kind of night shelter for all four legged creatures looking for a soft warm place to sleep and since we currently own six cats and two dogs there was a lot of jostling for space and comfort! I did, however, find the rhythmic tones of purring alternated by the laboured snuffling of my pug to be strangely reassuring and eventually fell asleep.

Anyhow back to today - I have done my excersise and was pleased to see that I cycled longer than yesterday and felt stronger. Im going to further restrict calories today and try and drink more water, which doesnt come easily to me I have to force myself to drink but I know that it is so good in many ways to healthy, thin and fit.Im going to sign off by saying that I highly recomend the feeling of waking up knowing that you are doing something about getting your life under control! x

Day 1

Today is the first day of my journey to a thinner, fitter, and happier new person.I started with a short cycle and some tummy exercises! I feel this is going to be a journey of self discovery and healing. I want to learn to love myself totally so I can pour out more love for my deserving family and friends. As I'm writing this it is becoming painfully obvious exactly how self centred this is starting to look! Having acknowledged this I still believe that I am in desperate need of self absorption. So back to things at hand, my goal is to lose 26kgs in 13 weeks. At that point I will change my name to Ell and get some new ink!

Here we go - its going to be tough and emotional and support will be needed and appreciated! But if I can do it so can anyone else. I'm not sure if anyone will read this but its so therapeutic to write it all down I'm going to persist. Off to have some more water.
Signing off - Ell in the making x